Thanks for the advice Dr. Laura – now stuff it!!
Posted by Jennifer on October 3rd, 2006
Well….like I did not feel guilty enough!!! I just read the transcript of Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Larry King Live. Dr. Laura is a radio show host and author. Larry King was interviewing her about her new book (which I guess I am now inadvertently advertising) “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”. Dr. Laura also refers to herself as a recovered feminist. In a nut shell Dr. Laura in all her wisdom says women are messing up their kids by working! That there is never a good reason for a women to work – even single moms! She suggests single moms move in with your parents so they can work nights while their kids sleep. How dare she! Trust me lady if I could I would stay home with my kids! Technically I could but we would have to stop living in the neighbourhood we live in, get rid of our cottage and my daughter would not go to gymnastics or swimming and certainly not skiing lessons. So where do you make the sacrifice…should I work so that my children can have a “good life” or do I sell it all and stay home? Dr. Laura was lucky enough to work at night…not many PR jobs have a night shift (24 hrs. sometimes!)
I am constantly dealing with guilt and trying to find the balance – which I am sure you are familiar with my previous rants…but PLEASE help me don’t make me feel even worse or selfish…you should read what she says about how you should treat your husbands!
This last month I have been coming to terms with leaving my kids at home five days a week. Each night I race home to get maximum time with them before bed time and all weekend I dread Sunday nights! I do nothing for myself anymore. I gave up my Pilates membership, I don’t do my usual 40 minute walk with my friend Amy and I certainly don’t entertain the idea of going out to a movie or drinks with friends after work. Let me state that I gladly make these sacrifices. I love being with my kids. I realize that time goes by so quickly and before I can turn around my girls will be irritated by the site of me (teenagers!). I am trying, like many parents to hold on to this time and wonder constantly if I am making right or wrong decisions and how will this impact their lives and my career. I know I am not alone as I get feedback from some of you who read this blog as well as from my friends who are also struggling with the working mom guilt.
I am constantly conflicted…maybe I should stop moaning and suck-it-up but on the other hand when I read this “stuff” by Dr. Laura I cannot help but run the working mom guilt around in my brain again!! Some one give us a break…we are not bad parents just because we want to or have to work, we do not love our kids any less or are selfish and materialistic…we work! It is that simple really.
One more thing…what kind of role models are we for our daughters if we are constantly fighting with each other about who is the better mom? This is an entirely different post…which I will get to once I cool off.
Posted to Life outside PR, Women in PR
October 4th, 2006 » 5:59 am
Jen, have you ever read Backlash by Susan Faludi? Faludi does a great job of deconstructing and explaining the (American) neoconservative message machine that front, funds and promotes Dr. (sic) Laura and her ilk.
The funny (funny sick, not funny ha ha) thing is: while that crowd has some bizarrely pathological and antedilivian views about women — it isn’t even personal.
It is a red meat issue (like homophobia) that mobilizes their base, keeps the progressive base fractured and confused, allows them to appropriate/hijack the voices of another community….any actual damange to real women is a collateral benefit.
Did I mention I’ve worked in US politics for years?
Do yourself a favour: avoid the Dr. Lauras of this world like the plague. Their “advice” is about all kinds of agendas, which centre on generating insecurity to increase consumerism and influence political behaviour — but none of which have anything to do with your best interests.
As a side note, I should mention that I did my uni thesis on women’s gender roles in Japan, where just as has been the historic case in the West, the “experts” on childrearing who dictate the definition of a “good mother” are almost universally male, childless, and self-proclaimed, with absolutely no germane experience, empirical data, or qualifications of any kind.
Tell the Spocks and Sleschengers of the world to go stuff it. You’re a better mom than they’ll ever be: you’re self aware, you think, you care, and you try hard. That’s more than most kids ever get from parents, and far better than what the experts-for-rent crowd dishes out to their paying, self-loathing consumers.
Feel better? I’m happy to repeat this to you anytime you need to hear it.
. . .
A friend of mine in politics down here is tangentially connected to http://www.momsrising.org/ – I don’t know much about it or have any direct connections, but it sounds interesting. It was co-founded by Joan Blades, the cofounder of MoveOn.org. (Keep in mind that the fight for affordable healthcare for mothers and children down here is a radical, revolutionary, pinko commie concept — be grateful you’re on your side of the line.)
October 4th, 2006 » 2:49 pm
Thank you very much Shaula – I have printed out your comment and posted it on my bulletin board for a reminder whenever I am questioning my mothering skills. I have not read Dr. Faludi’s book but I plan on looking at a copy asap. I will definately check out the momsrising site. I know I am very lucky to be living in Canada where we have affordable healthcare and great support programs for mothers, fathers and their children. All the best. Jen
October 4th, 2006 » 5:06 pm
I thought you were remarkably restrained in your tirade against Dr. Laura. She, and others like her, are setting back the cause of women’s equality. I know you. You’re a great parent and are setting a wonderful example for your daughters. The Faludi book referenced by Shaula is great. You might also like A Women’s History of the World by Rosalind Miles (great read). It’s an excellent tonic for misplaced guilt. And the operative word there is “misplaced.”
October 4th, 2006 » 5:20 pm
Thank you Terry for your feedback. It is always great to get a mans perspective. My first draft about Dr. Laura was quite x-rated…next time I will not edit myself. And thanks for the book selection. I look forward to reading the books you and Shaula have suggested – in my free time between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. Sleep is overated!
October 4th, 2006 » 10:02 pm
Jen, Shaula and Terry – Amen to that! Moms get it either way – damned if you work, damned if you don’t. Well, damn the guilt. Jen, I bet your mom worked, my mom worked. I feel like some mythical utopian yesteryear has been created, a time when the land was filled with moms sitting down for afterschool chats with their kids over home baked cookies. I doubt it was ever like that – women have always worked, and when less of them were officially in the workplace they likely had bigger families. So they worked hard either way. I think change is afoot though, because the population is declining and the boomers are retiring – we need women to have more kids and we need their skills in the workplace. So something’s gotta give…
October 5th, 2006 » 1:26 am
The reason why Dr. Laura is so upsetting is that there’s something in what she says. I balk at the concept of putting my children in daycare. So my husband and I are on an absolutely insane schedule (I work Monday – Thursday, he works Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) so one of us is always with the kids. That means we hardly get to see each other. Are we doing the right thing? Is this the example of a marriage children should see? Two people handing off childrearing responsibility to each other? I have no idea. I think I’ll take the general recommendation and buy Susan Faludi’s book.
October 5th, 2006 » 2:22 am
I know for a fact that you are an incredible mother. One of the things that I admire about you is your ability to always put the interests of your children first. Your children are a part of your family – not the sole focus.
What type of people would our children become if they grew up as the prime focus of their parent’s universe.
In order to be a good parent, you must not only consider your children, but the relationships that make up the family. This is another area that you are very good at. You date your husband, make time for your mother, father, brothers and other family members, as well as your friends. Your career is important to you, and that too must be considered in your personal happiness – your sole purpose in life is not only to potty train and pick up cherrios, but be fulfilled as an individual.This my dear friend, is my battle as a stay-at-home mom.
My days have become filled with snot, poop and muddy rubber boots – good times. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity and means to make this choice, but as many of my friends who “work within the home” will tell you – the guilt still lives on.
Many of us have given up aspiring careers and thus left a portion of our identities at the office – will we ever get them back? Are we living our lives for us or our children? I battle this everyday. I do not regret my decision to stay at home until my children are in school fulltime. I can’t imagine having anyone else deal with the snot, poop and muddy boots – but at what expense? The moments that I share with my kids, I will take with me when/if I re-enter the workforce or perhaps go back to school. We must look at the opportunity to stay home with our kids as just that. An opportunity to embrace skills we never thought we had or felt too academic or career oriented to even attempt.
I will continue to have the occasional melt down about losing my professional identity to the two blonde kids that have graced my husband and I with their presence, but I will also continue to feel like the luckiest person in the world for having the chance to spend as much time as I can with them, preparing them for the world that lies ahead.
Oh, and one more thing to conclude this babbling reply – as mother’s we must stick together and assist each other in the upbringing or our children. To quote Audrey Hepburn “Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm….(and) as you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.”
April 30th, 2007 » 4:07 pm
I am a working woman who juggled the home, child and
work and at the old age of 50, realize more and more
emphatically that women need to work outside the home,
establish THEMSELVES as independent and forget the
insane guilt trip placed on the by the Dr. Laura types.
Instead of a guilt trip about not constantly being there
to serve the children, they need to trained to be responsible. My son turned out great. The job
required discipline and I made myself available whenever
he expressed a need. I sacrificed to make it work, it
didn’t sacrifice a work-life.
March 20th, 2008 » 9:41 pm
I actually totally agree with Dr. Laura and I think you are being materialistic. You talk about having to give up your neighborhood, your cottage, and your child’s ski, gymnastics lessons, etc. When it comes down to it those things are not what matter. What matters is those children always knowing that mom can be there for them and that they won’t be interrupting your work. You even said you could “technically” but then you would be having to give up materialistic things. So find a smaller house. Be involved in less activities. But be there for those children. Our society is going to the dogs because children don’t have a reliable parent in the home or are being raised by daycare and so on. Those people do not care about your children. Not in the same sense that you do. I could go on and on. I hope things do work out for you whatever you decide and know that this is my opinion and you are welcome to yours. I just had to say something because it makes me sad when I see parents choose a “better” lifestyle or try to give their kids “more” than what they had when really all the children need is their parents.